Heading out to the She Speaks Conference last weekend here in NC, I prayed that God would reveal to me what it is He wants me to do. It’s been a crazy year, an even crazier 6 months, and I’m tired of this feeling of not knowing what my purpose is. You know when you have something in your mind, and it turns out to be nothing like that at all? That would be what I feel right now.
In my mind I hoped that if I immersed myself in Gods word, and listened to passionate and knowledgable writers and speakers, I would come away with a game plan. Returning home I’d be ready to take on the world and write as I’ve wanted to…would know what to write about and how to do it to the best of my ability. There would be clarification of purpose, an identity if you will.
Instead, a quote stuck with me. Like stepping on sticky, gooey, gum left on the pavement in the 100 degree NC heat in my shoes… these words hit me and I can’t shake them off; “Many people can relate to your failures and frailties. Therefore, THIS is your connection to helping people.” (This is where if I was texting, I would add one of those little gagging emojis!)
On Saturday morning I sat in a class led by Lysa TerKeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries, entitled “Your Very Best Idea Ever”. Sounded like just what I needed- the catalyst to propel forward. But, no. Instead, it was a lesson that stopped me in my tracks and made me really consider what God would have me write about. “The very things God won’t take from you, that you beg Him to, is the key. The habit, the curse, it’s a special assignment.”
I’ve run from this habit, this curse for so long. Ever so often, I’ll stop and realize how destructive it is, how controlling. How much it affects my self esteem and my identity. To be honest, the thought of trying to fight this demon again makes me want to quit before I even start. (Any other quitters out there? Can I recommend an amazing book for you? 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit ).
Yet, I see how faithful God is, how patient and loving He has been with me over the years. I’m so grateful for the 3 simple words I walked away with this year, words that really sunk in and have begun to take root in my heart. “Slow, Durable, and Beautiful.” Shauna Niequist filled me with the desire to work on these words, to create a life that is shaped by them. To fight what the world says, and to listen to what the Lord says. “Stop right now and remake your life from the inside out.” Nicki Koziarz said “Victory is found in the uncomfortable places of life.” Lysa reminded me to “Feel it, Heal it, and Reveal it” and in order to do all of these things I have to “Stop trying to achieve and slow down to receive.”
I don’t know what this all looks like, but I do know that the only way I can truly find my calling is to be with Jesus…
“We must be with Him before we go out for Him”, (Lysa TerKeurst).
Tomorrow is a new day, and one of my new words is consistency. Not just in life situations, but in this writing thing that I have such a love/hate relationship with. I covet your prayers, and hope to be able to share more in the upcoming days about my struggle. Maybe you too battle with this “thing” and we could support and spur each other onto victory in Jesus. It’s all about Him anyway and when we keep that as our focus, everything else will fall into place.
To be continued…
*( If you would like to hear what other women that attended She Speaks had to say about their time there please click on the link below! There were 1,000 women on the waiting list this year…if that gives you an idea of how powerful this weekend is.)
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